Secret Complexities of a Crip’s Life

Posted on April 15, 2012 by Francesca De Grandis

April 15, 2012

Waiting for guests to arrive for a jam.  Thinking. Forgetting that I’m a crip is usually a good thing, as long as I don’t hurt myself. But sometimes, it causes me disappointments. 

I tweeted today, “Now set the dye on two  floral items I painted. Green god! Then, long bath, next monthly old timey kitchen jam! Then teach. Great day!”

But there was no leisurely nurturing bath. Ok, there are bigger problems in the world. But it is really difficult being a shut in. It is lonely. And nurturing myself taxes my inventiveness, there are only so many things you can do at home as a cripple, even less if you’re low income. 

Mind you, I do not want to wallow in my problems. But I do not want to be in denial about them, either.

The bath: I cannot manage a shower, and a bath is difficult, sometimes painful. My doctor prescribed a daily caretaker to help me do things like bathe. Typical American health-care bureaucrats turned me down. 

So bathing is quite an operation. (Don’t judge crips for being grubby.) Even a “quick” wash takes a long time. 

Nevertheless, sometimes I can manage a pleasant bath, with time to soak. 

Today, I forgot I had disabilities, forgot I’d already done too many things to also relax in the tub. In other words, after what I had accomplished, being in the tub quickly got painful. 

Relaxing in a tub is usually too strenuous for me!

At least I am a clean crip. 

I need to complain, vent a second more. Because it is not just the bath. It is a series of events all day. Many of the most basic functions can only be executed by carefully planned time-consuming measures. One simple task complicated, then another, then another, snowballing into what constitutes a crip’s life.  

What positive attitude can I glean from this? I can affirm the idea that I am lucky to be stubborn enough to do all this. 

And I can recognize that I am not the only one with this sort of struggle. And it is not just people with disabilities. Many folks live with invisibly complex challenges and the disappointments thereof.  I am not the Lone Ranger, I don’t have to feel poor me and nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen. 

The other thing I can glean? My isolation has impelled me to draw and paint, new skills which give me great joy. 

One more goodness for me to affirm: The jam was great! A kitchen full of love and joy. We even had someone playing spoons and someone else playing jaw harp. And many other parts of my day have been good. It is vital I enjoy those, vital to forget – or at let not dwell on – being a crip. I will not let myself be defined by my disabilities, least of all in my own mind! Yes, as my tweet said, it is a great day. 

Now, to go rest before I teach that class! I do enjoy my naps. Hmm, maybe I will lie down outside, I bet my cat would join me. 

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Be a Leaf

Posted on April 11, 2012 by Francesca De Grandis

This is an early draft, only wrote it yesterday  

 Be a Leaf Among All the Leaves that Have Ever Fallen from Trees
April, 2012 

My Gods, help us all shine—continue to shine, start to shine, know we shine, shine ever brighter, as the case may be.  

Naysayers are a plague of flies,
trying to blot out stars and sun.
A healing light shines,
but a fly says, “She is a fake. She has no light.” Another fly adds,
“She has no power.”
Other flies mimic and chant, “Fake! No power! No light!”  

Lies draw other flies, because fly nature is fed by offal. Slander spreads insect by insect, over the globe, because this horde of small, fearful, and jealous beings have yet to find their own power—their own enormous size and light.  

My Gods, help us all shine—continue to shine, start to shine, know we shine, shine ever brighter, as the case may be.  

Choose: Be part of the naysaying horde who hide their fear, even from themselves, hide it with disgust for those who try to make a difference. Rant against healers, be small, disguise this cowardice as a battle for truth and honor. Choose: Be covered in flies and lies so that your own light does not shine.  

Or look past them. Do you see a light, a healer?
Decide for yourself.
Only you can know whether you see a star shining.  

Be a light, a star with all the other stars in the sky, shining healing magic for everyone, you are that big already, innately, unless you lose your size to lies. Don’t lose your size by spreading lies.  

Be a light, a star from the sky walking among us as a healer, we are all stars walking. When flies say of you, “No light! No light!,” don’t let it dim you. Whatever the lies, some of us can see you anyway!  

Be a leaf, among all the leaves that have ever fallen from trees—all the leaves that
have ever blanketed the earth
with rich colors.
Turn into fragrant dark compost.
It is a leaf’s nature to fall, then crumble, it is
easy to do these things—to nurture life just
be yourself, that heals the world.  

May we all continue to shine. My Gods, help us—continue to shine, start to shine, know we shine, shine ever brighter.  

My Gods, help me find the humility to fall and
crumble to feed the lights of all.
Help me remember that, when I dissolve
against the earth, my soul goes down to be
reborn into a new self, a brighter light than ever—I  become a new leaf.
Help me have the self-esteem to recognize
the power of the leaf I am.

********

For more bardic poetry, check out The Ecstatic Goddess.

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Techniques to Create Laziness?

Posted on April 3, 2012 by Francesca De Grandis

The World Tree Takes Care of Me, Francesca De Grandis, 2012

Mega stress has wiped me out emotionally and physically. So exhausted I am close to MS flare-up. And doing my usual coping mechanism of driving self to further exhaustion. Yeah, it makes no sense, and I know I’m not invulnerable, just cannot get myself to stop half the time.

 So I asked my community to remind me a few times a week to rest. On my Facebook page or on the Faerie Nation list or twitter.  (I tweet as @outlawbunny )

 Folks have done this for me before, and it really helped. But resting is a huge challenge for me—even when MS has me too weak to speak, I still push myself. I also am in a setback about self-care. 

 Yeah, yeah, I know all the stuff about being worth self-care, yada, yada, yada. That awareness is only half the battle for moi. I am bit by bit deconstructing hard-wiring that happened in infancy. It’s slow going.

Living alone, there is no one here to say, “Hey, you are beat up, stop!” I did not get that input as a kid. Heh, my mom had 5 kids and 3 jobs! She never ever stopped except when zombified.

 Telling myself to rest works way better than it used to, but I need help again.

I suspect my subconscious recognizes folks’ constant reminders to rest as mothering. Maybe hearing someone tell me “Rest” makes me feel loved and safe enough to nap or go to bed at a reasonable hour.  Folks doing this in the past caused me to internalize their reminders into self-mothering without being told. Heh, just like a grown up. 🙂

 Here is a report of my current progress:
* Got gobs of reminders to rest! Thanks again!!!
* Rested bunches yesterday, good for me!
* Argh, rested so much that could not get to sleep til 5 AM, LOL!
* This is not a new thing, it is part of the challenge of getting myself to rest enough.
* An exhausted friend asked me to lead him through a relaxation exercise at about 4 pm yesterday; I did not lie down for it, because it is too painful to speak when horizontal, but it was a long and successful visualization, I might as well have napped. That much rest late in the day makes me stay up late.
* Yesterday, one of my initiates challenged me to learn the art of laziness.
* I gotta get initiates who are not so dang smart! She blew my cover. Now everyone will know how to manipulate me, they just have to challenge me! Am I the cliche of a teenager wanting peer approval? Or what? Ah, it is my ego, I  can’t stand the idea of not accomplishing something when someone has virtually chanted “Na na na na na na” at me about it.
* Being an obdurately non-lazy person, I met the challenge by immediately thinking up techniques for this fine art form I want learn.
* Day 1, technique #1: delay. Even if the delay is only for 1 minute. I decided I was going to polish that technique this week. Later.
* Joking aside, I did delay things yesterday. That was effective.
* Also, telling myself I could delay learning laziness took mega-pressure off me about getting enough rest. My energy became restful. In other words, whether I rested or not did not matter on one level, because I was getting less worn out, just by not giving a f—.
* Mind you, I still really need to get rest, but de-stressing my emotions is also vital right now.

Please keep give loving reminders, I need that parent-like support. It makes all the difference. Thanks again to everyone who has done this so far.

A few last thoughts. When the Goddess gave me the material for the Gentle Heart Palm Up class about ten years ago, it was as much for me as for my students. A big chunk of the lessons were about doing nothing, nothing, nothing, letting go, resting. It is a very restful class.  I am learning to apply this material, but it is so slowly, even though I channeled it myself, LOL. Snail’s pace. Ten years, still trying.

Hee, that class discusses how much more we can get done when lazy; I preach and practice the productivity of laziness. Then yesterday, sigh, that same initiate was telling me I would be amazed at how productive laziness is. I gotta get dumber initiates who do not throw my own lessons back at me!

I am blessed by such amazing students, my fellow travelers—we help each other internalize our own wisdoms.

I told someone yesterday that when I am weakest, I push harder. Been trying to change that for years. Bit by bit I do. Part of why I teach the Gentle Heart Palm Up class: we teach what we need to learn. Once  a year I teach it, and grow more. I also am trying to love the part of me that works to solve when I should rest to solve.

The World Tree Takes Care of Me, Francesca De Grandis, 2012

Heh, I am going to go rest now. I have only been up a while but, being an overachiever, I added a second technique yesterday. Technique #2: take ten second “naps”—being kinda in a nap, without laying down, wherever and whenever I think of it.

Onward. Um, no not onward, that is not restful. Sit. Still. Deep breath. … Ah, that was nice.

 ******
To receive notice of upcoming  classes, like Gentle Heart Palm Up, click here.

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Self-Acceptance—A Blessing

Posted on March 28, 2012 by Francesca De Grandis

Self-Acceptance—A Blessing

I send this blog into the world as a blessing. It takes less than a minute to receive:

* Touch the pic,

* then take a deep relaxed breath—nothing fancy, just the sort of yummy breath that, for example, someone might automatically take at their desk just before they stretch a tight muscle

* then be open to Divinity’s love of you. It will help you love yourself. Already love yourself? There is always room for more love!

Being open to Divinity’s love is not the same as worrying about whether you will receive that love, attempting to figure out how you will receive it, frantically trying to feel that love, hoping you are “worthy” of it (we are children of the Divine, born with innate worth and beauty), or otherwise filling up with so much fear, tension, and busyness that there is no room for Divine love.

Being open can mean just relaxing best you can (you don’t have to do any part of this blessing process anywhere near perfectly) and taking a few more deep breaths. Whatever happens, don’t judge yourself or worry; even if you feel nothing, it doesn’t mean nothing happened, the whole day awaits!

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Fantasy Portrait

Posted on March 16, 2012 by Francesca De Grandis
Ancestral Messenger, Francesca De Grandis.

Ancestral Messenger

Your spirit portrait is truly one of kind. Brush-stroke by brush-stroke, I meditate on the otherworldly you. Many digital portrait painters use templates—e.g., the same faerie wings for all their clients. Or they digitally alter a photo. I paint the portrait, with a virtual brush, a computer screen my canvas.

Click a portrait to see it clear and detailed. This site blurs a painting when shrinking it to fit the page.

Order your spirit portrait: Click here.

Francesca De Grandis

Middle Management for Chaos Gods, Self Portrait

Spirit guides me, as I portray your spirit. The photo you send me is just my jumping off point to envision and depict—not the physical, but—the otherworldly, magical you. See the difference between clown painting of me and photo that inspired it. My portraits are not slavish copies of photographs. This is about us affirming your mythopoetic truth in a way that is fun for you.

Want your inner and outer beauty celebrated in an art piece? Click here to order your fantasy portrait.

Here is an example of my process with a customer. Dave told me he’d loved two fantasy creatures his whole life: the dragon and the Tolkeinesque dwarf. He added, “…when I get to play a role-playing game,…I play the dwarf … it’s something about their almost British “Keep Buggering On” mentality, their sturdiness…” About dragons he wrote, “There is a wisdom to the dragon, a view of history only held by something which lives longer than a human life.” That—and a photo of him—was all I needed: I channeled Gimli’s Warrior Cousin, Friend to Dragons (below). Dave’s posted his reaction in a comment field below.

Dave sent me two photos of himself for me to use as my model.

Dave sent me two photos of himself for me to use as my model.

Gimli’s Warrior Cousin, Friend to Dragons

I see you. Truly see you. Do you want the invisible-you made manifest? Click here to receive your portrait.

A personal story: Tara Noonan commissioned a portrait of her mom, who I’d never met. Even if I’ve met the person I’m painting, creating a spirit portrait is like painting in the dark. So I get nervous about doing a good job. When I sent the portrait to Tara for approval, she responded, “It’s truly amazing how I feel you captured my mom’s essence, her groundedness, her warmth, her sadness and strength, all in this portrait. Thank you so much for this! I am really excited to share this with her. And I am glad you guys “met”, kind of!  Thanks for your beautiful work…Love, Tara”

Her feedback was a great affirmation for me, a fledging painter. I was also relieved!  Tara’s mom’s portrait is to the right. It is not everyone who would accept their mom depicted as a clown! I kept trying to not do it. Finally I had to give way—unless I trust my inner voice, I am unable to paint. I figured I would change it if Tara felt it was wrong!

Be assured, I do not choose between your inner voice and mine, I choose them both. The Divine guides my brush, but might guide you to ask for a revision. I make sure your portrait depicts your inner beauty, dignity, and uniqueness.

I’m also excited to share Tara’s feedback because it demonstrates the special nature of these paintings. Getting commissions is difficult thus far, even though everyone’s loved their portrait, telling me I intuited something important about them. But 1) I haven’t a reputation as a visual artist, yet and 2) my painting captures someone’s spirit, which is unusual; most folks don’t understand that a glamorous fantasy pic can also be a channeled spirit portrait. So, Tara, thanks for helping make clear my ability to see and affirm the amazing hidden parts of someone!

Roberto Campus (Marvel, DC, Dark Horse, Lucas Arts, Penguin Books, Hulk, Dungeon Magazine, GamePro): “As a professional illustrator and artist, I personally enjoy Francesca’s artwork and find it to be original and inspired by the natural world. Her whimsical, bright style is a breath of fresh air for the world of fantasy and fairy art. The wild yet harmonious color palette and subject matter speak to an enchanted world of fantastical creatures, just outside our windows, on the edge of our own existence, where spiritual understanding through the artistic muse is accessible. Francesca’s art captures this essence and brings it to the mundane world for our enjoyment.”

And here is my portrait of Roberto Campus:

Want a truly one-of-a-kind portrait depicting the unique person you are, at a low price? Click here.

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Imagine a World . . .

Posted on March 14, 2012 by Francesca De Grandis

Maxim & Art, OutlawBunny

Imagine a world in which, instead of judging others, we accept ourselves . . . And self-acceptance can help us stop judging others.

Note: I’m so happy there are folks living an integrated life I can share with. I’m not alone, whew! I try to integrate the “disparate” parts of my life, e.g., calligraph my thoughts, use art as meditation. And all my classes are about integrated being, even if that is not in the description for a given class. To be kept abreast of classes, click here.

If anyone wonders why I made a blog category called “The Whole Thing,” you can tell them that, often there is such a weave that the category is needed. Oh, so I don’t have many out ‘n’ out gallery posts—to see my visual art, browse my blog.

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Teddy Bear, Mother’s Helper

Posted on March 7, 2012 by Francesca De Grandis

Everyone needs a teddy bear, even big capable guys! People especially need a teddy bear when far from home. I have a bear the size of my thumb. It was perfect when I used to travel—I traveled light, and it took up no room in a suitcase.

I just made a wee teddy for a friend. I’m excited about making a one-of-a-kind critter, my design, hand-painted. So I thought I’d share pics. I also thought you might enjoy making one too, so there are instructions below.

 The one I made is under 5”—bigger than my ol’ traveling companion, but still easily tucked into the corner of a backpack.

1) Using Jacquard’s Auto Fade Pen, I made a rough bear sketch on a gorgeous scrap of probably vintage cloth. Yay, I got to upcycle!

2) Next I painted my new wee friend, using Jacquard’s TeeJuice Pens. For some of that, I squeezed TeeJuice out of a pen so I could dip a brush into the paint.

The spiral on its tiny belly is because it is a cosmic bear. 🙂 A traveling teddy bear is God’s little helper, adding a bit more security wherever you go. Heck, toss it in your purse to go with you to work and the rest of your day!

The first known image of Madonna and child—Goddess and son—was a bear with cub. For me, teddy bears represent that huge all-encompassing maternal love, and are mother’s helpers, assistant to both human moms and to the Great Mom Goddess. Divinity is always with us, sometimes via the comfort of a stuffed animal.

3) Next came cutting. I pinned the bear to another piece of cloth, so I could cut front and back at the same time. When I cut out the bear, I left a seam allowance all around the painted area.

4) Then I stuffed and stitched! If it’s hard to get a lot of stuffing into a tiny bear, just keep at it. It helped me to only stitch as much as needed before starting to stuff.  

Doesn’t he look proud to be helping? Doesn’t She look proud of him? “Never doubt the power of one wee creature,” says Outlaw Bunny.

5) Finally, I wrote a message to my friend, which I put in tiny print on a little scroll that I attached to one of the bear’s arms.

Note: I integrate art with the rest of my life—eg, use crafts as meditation, use my art to illustrate blogs. I’m so happy there are folks living an integrated life I can share with. I’m not alone, whew! That’s why I made a blog category called “The Whole Thing.” Often, there is such a weave that category was needed. In this vein, all my classes are about integrated being, even if that is not in the description for a given class. To be kept abreast of classes, click here.

Oh, I don’t have many out ‘n’ out gallery posts. To see my visual art, browse my blog.

Jacquard supplies for this project are found at www.jacquardproducts.com or 800-442-0455.

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Story about a Direct Spiritual Transmission

Posted on March 5, 2012 by Francesca De Grandis

Francesca De Grandis, Oct 2011

Noelle permitted me to share her story about a spiritual transmission I gave her. A few details for context: The transmission she received was in part about childlike wonder, and was given for a month, without any meetings, even by phone. I suggested everyone receiving the transmission remind themselves once a day that I was doing this work for them. I also gave them an optional prayer to say.

“2011 was a year of crushing betrayal, loss and grief for me. I was homeless for a while. I had to put my four dogs to sleep because I had nowhere to keep them. The people I thought would always have my back instead stabbed me in it. I stumbled through my days (at least I didn’t lose my job) trying to hold it together and wondering sometimes why I bothered. Something about your Childlike Wonder announcement kept talking to me. Something wouldn’t quite let me delete it. So on a leap of faith that I wasn’t even sure I had any more, [I signed up for the transmission]. I still wasn’t sure what I hoped to get.
 
“On the first day, when I woke up, I thought “Francesca is starting the practice for me today.” I instantly felt peace, for the first time in months. I said the prayer and was able to appreciate the sunrise as I drove in to work. I kept saying it. Every day I started with the thought that you were doing the practice for me, and every day, sometimes several times a day, I said the prayer. Especially in the late hours when guilt and grief nailed my soul to the wall–I would see the faces of my dogs lifted trustingly to me, happy to see me, while I’m taking them to their deaths. I’m still saying it, even though the month is done. Because it helps, because it shines a flashlight in the darkness.

a sigil I developed for my own personal use

“I can see beauty around me again and feel gratitude. I can think of my dogs without absolute despair. I still grieve them, but I am starting to forgive myself and I think they have forgiven me. I am working to rebuild trust with one who betrayed me. It may not work out but I know that I can go on if it doesn’t. The worst thing of all was to be out of communion with my beloved Quan Yin. I used to meet Her in meditation and would often simply sit at Her feet with my head against Her knees and feel complete happiness. That had left with only a numbing hole in its place. I know that She did not leave me, I left Her. I was wrapped in fog and I was paralyzed.  The fog is lifting. I feel like the shell around my heart has cracked. I’m not totally back yet, but at least I am able to see the path back and start walking it.

“I know that this work came at some cost to you and I wanted you to know that it gave me my life back.
 
“Blessings, Noelle”

To receive notice of upcoming spiritual transmissions and my other work, click here.

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Domestic Warrior

Posted on February 29, 2012 by Francesca De Grandis

Between being a poet and feeling the world needs lots of changing, I’m compelled to make up terms, LOL. I’m not saying what’s right for others, but I personally need a term other than housewife. Domestic warrior works beautifully. 

Right before I posted my painting with its little self-help suggestion, I thought I’d better Google domestic warrior first, just in case there would be a problem. I did not see one. But I did feel encouraged to see that various folks have used the term before I ever thought of it. Yay and yaya—it is not just me who feels it has value! They may not use domestic warrior to mean the exact thing I do, but it is still encouraging.

I used a pic of Jenn—the Leftover Queen—as the model for my Viking painting. No one better than Jenn as a domestic warrior.

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