Trickster Said, “May I Have This Dance?”

Written July, 2011. But it’s been in my head for years, which means you may have seen/heard some of it already. Heh, and I’m posting this in November—five months after writing it! Are you like me, with a lot of blogs you never get to post? Anyway, I’m risking a very personal post because I hope it will be of service to someone.

Trickster said, “I’m sad. Modern pagans and intellectuals and other free spirits say they know me, but when I come, most of them run. They write books about wildness, but when I do my job, which is to expose the staid places in them, places that supposedly keep them safe, places that happen because they’re afraid to be themselves, fully themselves fully fully fully fully fully fully fully, they say, ‘You have no respect for my depth of understanding.’ Or ‘You have no respect for my causes.” Or “You do not respect how much I struggled to become myself.’ 

“But I respect it more than they do. And I love them for it, more than they do. They do truly have great depth of understanding, great causes, great struggles. 

“Moderns dress as me, dance around in my Coyote skin, call out my name. But if I answer their call, if I join the dance, they exclaim, ‘You are going to damage someone, some poor pathetic defenseless person who does not know better.’ 

“I defend the weak. My naysayers are not actually speaking on anyone’s behalf. They are saying, ‘I must lie, declare the falsehood that you will hurt defenseless people. Otherwise, your dance will expose how I myself hurt people who are vulnerable.’ 

“Or ‘Your dance shows me those people are strong despite all they suffer. Stop dancing, I need to see them as pathetic, so that I can feel superior to them.’ 

“Or ‘I must stop your dance because it shows me that we are all defenseless in the face of life’s chaos.’ Or ‘I am afraid that to be fully, happily lovingly me is bad. So I will see that badness in you, and attack it.’ 

“It is not that I act inconsiderately. I am a Sacred Clown, but I am courteous. I never step past your boundaries. I do not try to provoke. Only young tricksters do these things. I no longer, old as I am, proclaim, ‘Look! See how wild I am! See how I break the rules!’ I do not be mean or irresponsible then cover it up by insisting, ‘You just can’t handle how intense and true and wild I am!’ Ugh! 

“No, I have become sly Trickster, polite, and not overtly disruptive, at all. I simply dance my dance, tell my stories, share my meals, and note quiet messages from Mother Earth. I inflict none of these on anyone. I just politely offer them. My dances, stories, and messages might not seem that of the Holy Fool; that’s part of the tomfoolery! 

“Humans run from me, wanting the trickster’s mask, but not the trickster. So they hold forth on who I am, why I am, and what I symbolize. As if I lived within a dissertation, or am a cleverly expressed sentiment, or am a construct made of cardboard ideas and gorgeous, artful blown-glass icons! 

“They run away, wanting my old stories—even telling them to each other—but not my current tales. Modern accounts are about themselves—their actual selves—and me. They prefer an ancient yarn about my stealing a rabbit’s tail or giving a spider its many legs. Don’t they know that they each have their own story, with me as a character in it? That they each have a unique story just for them? In fact, each person may have many stories that I play a part in. 

Merry Prankster by Kathleen Marshall

“But not all modern humans are the way I have described. Oh, the artists who capture my spirit and let it run free, who run with me! Oh, the ritualists and academics who perceive the innumerable finely-tuned and orderly aspects of my chaos, then also invite me to dinner. For them and the rest of you who stay, you who are not frightened off by Rabbit, Coyote, Exu, and my other Guises and trickster Colleagues, I am a good luck charm. Just from dancing next to me or merely sitting beside me, your luck improves, wonderful things occur for you. After a while, I open the gate for all other Divinity. All the old Gods and new Gods come pouring through my gate to love those who are not afraid of trickster today. For no matter how far you have come, how wild you’ve become, how honest you are and good you are, there’ll always be part of you that is not whole and that is still hurting others. Trickster can show it to you. 

 “And if you face it, all the old Gods and all the new Gods will heal you of it. You and I will dance. All other Gods will join in. Oxala will shine in Her/His complete glory, showing us how orderly the cosmos is in its chaos, and how in control we can be if we relinquish control. I will be happy again. 

******* 

November 2011 backstory: Some of you know how much producing Share My Insanity has taken out of me. Ditto how frustrating it is to get word out that the book exists. I’m not complaining, I choose the good fight. 

But I want to mention one challenge I had. It took about five years to sell Share My Insanity to a publisher because it goes against the hipper constructs of Western consciousness. I refer not just to the book’s ideas but also to the way the book is written. I could not find a publisher who had even the faintest idea of what I was trying to pull off.  

It was awful to write from the heart and be told over and over that no one understood what I was doing, that the project sucked. Years of rejections had me thinking that maybe I’d climbed into an ivory tower and could no longer write reality. 

Finally, a publisher said, “Share My Insanity is so accessible, yet so deep.” My gratitude to her is enormous. 

So, a lot of struggles with Share My Insanity, and the above blog, which represents one, was a personal venting, in hopes it relieves my pain and the pain of some reader who happens to see it. 

Art by Kathleen Marshall

The challenges aren’t over. I’m working hard to get word out that the book exists, despite no budget. This is Indie culture. I do not feel sorry for me, this is good work to do. Do you want to help? If I email you a PDF flyer for Share My Insanity, can you print one or more to put in your U.U. church or another place where independent thinkers gather? If so, email me. outlawbunny at outlawbunny.com Thank you! Mwah <–that’s a big kiss. 

 Pimping alert! Share My Insanity is great! 🙂 And a fun easy read, despite all I went through with it. It is actually a humor book! Yup, I had that much of a fight getting a humor book out! Anything can threaten people, if it is from the heart! 

If you’re an independent thinker who commits to inner growth, rejects cheap answers, longs to keep growing despite having made no headway (or despite gaining tremendous, spectacular, amazing headway), I 100% believe I am an author who is worthy of you. End of pimping. 

Onward!

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Mysticism and Writing as Tools to Change Self and Society

Welcome to a weeklong virtual interfaith panel and community discussion

The topic: Mysticism and Writing as Tools to Change Self and Society.

Our diverse panelists don’t say the same old things. And they’re not the only ones who can bring a unique, in-depth perspective to the topic: Their remarks below kick off a week-long dialogue; You—yes you—can pontificate all you want, using the “Leave a Reply” box below. 🙂

Introductions:

Kristilee Williams

Kristilee Williams is the mother of two amazing boys, whom she home educates. She serves as Chair of the Children and Youth Faith Development committee at the Unitarian Universalist Church of the North Hills in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where she also helped to found and coordinate the Barnraisers’ Time Bank and Confluence Grove CUUPS groups. An amateur herbalist, digital literacy instructor, and sometimes activist, organizer, writer, and promoter, she attempts to live her life in alignment with the Unitarian Universalist principles and a focus on “deeds, not creeds.”  

Mike Dickman says, “Having grown up in a minefield of extremely conflicting but uncritically held beliefs, i was fortunate as a young adolescent to discover Grandfather Lao-tse. Later i read Tibetan Book of the Dead and decided that – whatever else – Tibetan Buddhism was certainly not my path. Over the years i have managed to acquaint myself more or less with several paths that are not Tibetan Buddhism, and to become skilled to a degree in all of them, but i kept getting bumped back into Tibetan Buddhism more and more. I am still – and with questionable success – trying to find a way out of it and into what actually underpins it and have had the blessing of studying with several awesome gentlemen and ladies, the dust of whose feet i am certainly not worthy to touch.”  

Shmuel Shalom

Shmuel Shalom learned the 3rd Road Faerie Tradition directly from Francesca De Grandis over 15 years ago. His work with Francesca led him to explore his Jewish roots which led to him spend the last 9 years in Israel studying Jewish sacred texts from a shamanic point of view and putting together experiential workshops to help Jews connect to their tradition. He now lives in Eugene, Oregon and is the founder of Conscious Torah, a school to experience Judaism as a path of awakening and personal growth. http://conscioustorah.com/  

Francesca De Grandis

Francesca De Grandis AKA Outlaw Bunny is your host, 4th panelist, and middle management for Chaos Gods. A one-woman interfaith community, Francesca practices Goddess Spirituality, is a long-time student of Taoism, visits Christ, and has been told she’s Buddhist. She’s secretly a druid. Francesca struggles spiritually because she’s a brat, but she does her best and tries to stay tight with God. The author of Share My Insanity: It Improves Everything, she created Another Step: a nature-spirituality curriculum without dogma. Her twitter handle is @outlawbunny 

You: Feel free to introduce yourself in a “Leave a Reply” box below. 

I am so grateful to panelists and you for being here.

Here are questions I asked panelists, and their answers:  

1) Trying to use mysticism and writing as tools to change self and society is an enormous undertaking. What is one thing you have found pivotal to this endeavor?

Mike Dickman: Paying particular attention to the stuff you think is preliminary – beginners’ crap that someone as advanced as you really doesn’t have to consider. 

Shmuel Shalom One must keep doing it and believing that people are reading even though you are getting no feedback. And this belief/faith is a deep mystical teaching unto itself that is hidden in all the writing. 

Kristilee Williams I believe that cultivating a certain amount of courage and willingness to discover and face honestly things about myself and my society that I might have been more comfortable keeping hidden from myself or not confronting is definitely a pivotal factor for me in this work. Initiating change and growth is not always an easy, comfortable, or enjoyable process. 

Francesca De Grandis Lyric. Mystically-driven transformation is so beyond words (at least for me) that I cannot define or facilitate it through charts and categories. But I can point toward it through poesy.  

2) What is one of the challenges, for you personally, that the modern world puts in the way of this undertaking?
 
Mike: Understanding. If knowledge is the beginning of all ignorance and conclusions really are just where people stop thinking about things, nothing is more dangerous. That, and then selling understanding rather than practice.  

Shmuel Shalom All sorts of entertainment.  People seem to want to be entertained and are not so interested in contemplating an idea or thought. 

Kristilee My biggest challenge is always time and being able to meet all of my responsibilities. Meeting the demands of parenting, working part time, home educating and remaining an active part of my church takes enormous effort on my part and setting aside time for myself to work on my own spiritual growth and practices often gets pushed to the bottom of the to-do list. 

Francesca Dang, everyone said what I wanted to say! So I’ll add this: modern dialog can be a barrage of unnecessary words that obstruct inner change. So I’ll host a moment of silence now, or my ego will add useless extra text, which will eradicate the informative silent spaciousness that follows great remarks—remarks like those of my fellow-panelists. 

3) What helped you overcome this challenge? 

Mike: Having my arse seriously kicked by my teachers, who do NOT go for that kind of shit a-tall! 

Shmuel Shalom If you are asking how I overcome the desire to be entertained, I find it an interesting struggle. It is easy just to make the decision to work on myself.  However, if I am not being careful, I can quickly find myself sucked into a TV show or surfing the web, etc.  In Judaism, this is referred to as the yetzer harah or the evil inclination.  

 If the question is how do I overcome this challenge of others preferring to be entertained instead of wanting to learn, I haven’t. And I am very much open to ideas and suggestions. 

Kristilee Not sure I have overcome it, although I have made progress! For me, what really helped was the realization that if I don’t make specific alone time to explore my authentic and spiritual self, I can begin to feel resentful about it until I am no good to anyone – in order for me to be able to care well for others, I need to be able to care for myself. 

 4) To be a mystic who deals with the written word is a blessing. Can you tell us one benefit you’ve received?  

Kristilee One gift I have been blessed with is a humbling and powerful sense of radical compassion that continues to grow and expand and compels me to act. 

Mike You’re forced to reflect. In the Buddhist tradition insight is honed in a triune manner – you study, reflect, and then try to put into practice. And if the practice turns out to be bullshit you start again… ad infinitum. 

Shmuel Shalom One benefit I have received is the occasional response of someone who has experienced what I have written.  This gives me joy and confirmation that I am on my path, that I am not alone, and that I am of service and helping people.  

Francesca Divinity is a trickster whose pranks reduce me to size. Writing stories about it is even more humbling—which I sorely need. Plus, sharing the jokes the universe plays on me is fun; fun and humor connect my soul to other people’s, and to the mischievous black hearted core of existence.   

5) How have the transformative powers of mysticism and writing been misused to disempower – – instead of empower – – people?

Shmuel Shalom The written word is very powerful.  People tend to believe it without asking for proof.  So, when they read a lot of negative or hateful or cynical pieces, be them blogs or news, or articles, or papers, people start to give up hope.

Mike: By selling them an easy solution. Dylan nailed the ‘problem’ of the Age of Aquarius – the age of the common man – when he sang “While one who sings with his tongue on fire / Gargles in the rat race choir / Bent out of shape from society’s pliers / Cares not to come up any higher / But rather get you down in the hole that he’s in / No-one is putting in the man hours.”

Francesca Folks might go to great lengths to avoid the fyr of the Divine, while honestly believing they’re doing the exact opposite. And any spiritual tool or premise can be misapplied. For example, we can hide our obstinacy in the name of “freedom to find our own sense of spirituality.” Writers who deny the need for teachers who consistently tell me when I’m on a spiritual wild goose chase would leave me without enough self-knowledge and immersion in Divinity to choose and fulfill my destiny. I will watch a merlin fly overhead and, instead of asking for a ride, I’ll shudder in its shadow. 

6) Is there anything else you’d like to add?
 
Mike: Grammar. Grammar and carefully considered vocabulary. And punctuation.

Shmuel Shalom A mystic is not always a writer. A writer is not always a mystic. A mystic who writes well is rare. And in this age where there are so many venues, it is a challenge to find and keep up with it all, along with a daily practice. Anyone out there long for the old days where the mystic sat under a tree all day watching his flocks and contemplating the glory of all, and shared her/his thoughts at night by firelight or during shabbat/sabbat and let someone else write down whatever important words were shared? 

Francesca I’m a careful writer. Share My Insanity took 8-9 years. But I’m equally devoted to oral transmission. Everything has a place. I’d be pulled from self and Divinity if I sought them only in print, even the heartfelt exchange of social media. Oral tradition takes me places books can’t. My students and I are immersed in our committed presence. 

Kristilee I’m grateful for the opportunity to participate in this panel and looking forward to the discussions! 

Yay!!! I love it! 

Add your thoughts or ask panelists questions. They’ll be available for a week—Oct 28 to Nov 4—to respond. Watch the “Leave a Reply” boxes below for their remarks.

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Two Poems

Two of My Recent Poems
(I may want to revise these further. They are both quite new.)

1) Oct 8, 2011

Like screaming monkeys clinging to our necks, 
unceasingly beating on us,
demons are real.
They’re cowards—banish them.

2)  October 11, 2011

Oh my gods, I’m seeing too many dead eyes
in living people. I’m seeing too many people 
ridden by shame and lies.

I worship a holy darkness, but this—this is 
not Your safe womb, 
Your starlit spring night-sky.
This is a dark closet that children 
are thrust into, 
this is a dark under-the-bed where nightmares hide,
this is a darkness that smiling 50s 
TV hosts pretended exists only in
lunatics’ rantings.

Keep me in your light 
that, residing in the dark,
I do your work.
Keep my light bright
that it may be a beacon—not a beacon to me,
because I am too frail to carry anyone.
But a beacon leading people to you,
My Divine Lover,
My Feast,
My holy Salvation who comes to me draped in vines and roses,
Who  loves me more than a human mother could even love her child.
Come to me.

I am tired of evil possessing souls, 
tired of intellectual escapist debate 
taking everyone’s time
so that nothing is left for ecstasy 
or for morality—
psuedo-spiritual arguments
hogging the bandwidth of human discourse,
sucking up all the air in the room. Where is
my lover’s flesh? Where is medical care
for the poor? I am poor, needing both
medicine and lover.

I understand, God, that this is nothing new.
I understand it is the age-old battle 
between good and bad.
But I am self-centered, don’t want the pain, 
the battle, the betrayals, the lack.
I think I have a right to be an exception
to the human condition. 
I want to be loved.
When I was 16 in 1966, hippie days,
I sat on a curb crying, because someone
explained that all the love I had to offer
was unwanted. “People don’t want 
your love.”
It is a lesson every mystic finally learns
if she comes down from her ivory tower.
Rumi’s students killed his lover.
Christ’s followers denied him. Then ruined
His teachings. 
Many people don’t want love. They want “a piece” of you. 

This is when the seeker can grow up.
 Do you become 
bitter,
superior,
holier than everyone?
Or do you see your own darkness,
and pray to be free from self
that you may hold God?

God, thank you for the lights in my life,
my shining friends who lift my spirits,
who know their own darkness
needs constant attention so that
It does not overtake them.

————-
More of my poetry is in The Ecstatic Goddess: Wild Meditations, Lyrical Rituals, and Earth Sexuality for the Pagan Heart.

And my latest book, which is self-help humor, is Share My Insanity: It Improves Everything. Yup, I guess the above poems are tears of the clown. 🙂

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I Need Help with My New Book

I need help with my new book, Share My Insanity: It Improves Everything.

 Indie culture relies on community support.

 Share My Insanity is self-help humor. Transformative fun. Trickster spirituality.

Spread divine madness:

* Midlist and indie authors rely on their community to buy their book. Each book makes a difference.

* Order Share My Insanity from Amazon soon as possible. The sooner the sales, the more likely Amazon’ll treat the book well—e.g. showcase it so that people know it exists.

* If you prefer a signed copy: http://etsy.me/q20PGk

* Buy a copy or copies as birthday and Yule gifts.

* Most authors don’t break even on a book. Share My Insanity isn’t about money. It is about community.

* Great American novelist May Sarton said something like, “I made friends with the wrong people. I befriended my readers, not the book reviewers.” Yes!

* I love my community—old personal friends, my readers I’ve never met, my students, colleagues, online buds. You—my peers—are it! It isn’t a large community. I’ve never been one to network.

* Midlist authors often have no promotional budget or publicist. We ask our community to help promote. It is you and I doing a guerrilla thang.

* People will only find out about this book if you help. You do have that power. Do not fall prey to the hoax that the book world’s mysterious ways require hours of study before you can help me.

* “Promotion” in this context is not anything fancy or incomprehensible. It is simply telling friends or other potential readers that my book exists.

* Elaborate, special words aren’t needed, just say that my book is out. Simple. Via Facebook, Twitter, email, phone, whatever.

* Mention it at your church, coven, motorcycle club, or gym.

* Or tell one friend. One person connecting with another. Not mass media or massive numbers. Readers not reviewers. Indie culture = people.

* It is enough to say that the title is Share My Insanity, and that it is available on Amazon. Or just send them this link: https://www.outlawbunny.com/share-my-insanity-it-improves-everything

The book is drawn from my marrow, so it frightens me to reach out for help. But I wrote Share My Insanity to be of service. The whole time, I was writing to the sort of independent-thinker and stardusted traveler that visits this site, reads my books, attends my classes, lives in my heart. The help I need to be of service can only come from that same beloved circle. I’m doing all I can to get word out, but have to accept I am only one person. So I’m learning to ask for help: Help this book help readers.

When you do anything to support Share My Insanity—no matter how small—tell me, so I can thank you. And knowing what you did will bolster my spirits—so I can keep fighting the good fight. Each small thing adds up. Feel the power of that.

Share My Insanity.  It improves everything. In gratitude and fellowship, Francesca

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What May Sarton Said

What May Sarton Said
Late night thoughts, exhausted and fighting the flu.

I am so tired of and exhausted by daily terror. Here is how the terror happens every day:

I have written a book (called Share My Insanity).  I calligraphed its words in my own blood. My earnest hopes were recorded by bruising my hands against the computer keyboard. My beliefs – – which are not from my brain but from my cells – – I wrenched these beliefs from those cells, wrenched them out through my pores as if I were extracting my own entrails, tiny bit by tiny bit, minuscule bits small enough to get through pores. Yes, I am trying to say it hurt and it was hard. And that what I wrote was myself, I put myself in that book. Not a self that is some heroic image, but the me that for nine years wrote the book. Bit by tiny bit of self.

What happens next, after the book comes out, is always the same. Somebody attacks. I become terrified, wait for it to happen. They think that, if I could’ve pulled off a book, then I couldn’t possibly be as sensitive as them! I could not be as nervous and vulnerable and terrified as them, or I would never have been able to write down everything I wanted to write and manage to get it published, right? So they think it’s okay to attack.

But I am just me.

You’re not supposed to make complaints about it, if you’re lucky enough to publish. It sounds like whining, lack of gratitude. Take this blog in context, please. I know that being a writer is a blessing. I’ll be lucky to break even on the book, mind you, but that’s not what’s important. What is important is that I was given the gift of putting into words ideas that help people transform their lives. What is important is that I was given the gift —the ability—to create tools for change that make miracles in peoples lives. So take everything I say here within a context of my immense gratitude and the sense of personal connection I feel with my reader. And the context of me knowing I am blessed b/c I actually get to do what I was put on this earth for.

And where there is great light, there will be great dark. To create great things means to face great challenges. And tonight, my dear friend, I am tired of the challenges. And it is time to finally take off my mask, reveal my terror, not only for my sake, but also for other terrified people. The mask we wear because it is supposedly not okay for us to speak about the terror some humans sometimes live in daily.

We are not supposed to speak of it, so that we can be easy targets for haters, who make assumptions that we must be terrible people based on the simple fact that we have voices at all, let alone convictions. Insisting we must be privileged in ways they are not or we could not have written a book or otherwise spoken up. Though we may live in poverty, do without medical care, or be otherwise oppressed, they must pretend to themselves that we are not like them, that we are “other,” something they can project onto. I am tired, so tired, of being dehumanized.

Some of my terror happens from promoting the book. I don’t mean “promotion” as a fancy word and indecipherable concept. By “promotion,” I simply mean letting potential readers know my book exists. Tweeting about it, mentioning it on Facebook, that sort of thing. I have no publicist or money to promote.

The Great American novelist May Sarton said something along the lines of, “I made friends with the wrong people. I befriended my readers, not the book reviewers.” That is like me! The focus of my work is actually my work: teaching, counseling, writing useful books. I was once invited to be on a spiritual leaders’ list—a networking list. I thought, “I don’t have time to be on a spiritual leader list. I’m too busy being a spiritual leader.” (Mind you, I prefer the term “servant” to “leader.”)

When the time comes to promote, I’m not set up like some queen with her fellow kings and queens and rulers who will promote the book for me. I am a servant, a counselor, a writer. But I am viewed by people who do not know me as “one of them,” someone who supposedly has all sorts of hidden connections that create promotion, connections they themselves could never have. Ha! Tired of being dehumanized and projected onto.

Share My Insanity has a message of life and fullness, light and healing. To try to get word out about it is like being blocked by an edifice of darkness that reaches all the way to the sky. I am staring up at it, looking up hopelessly—I do mean hopelessly—saying, “How do I get around this edifice to the other side where I can tell people the book exists, so that it can be of service?”

The edifice is big business, the edifice is our class system, the edifice is sexism, the edifice is our human avoidance of messages that challenge us to grow. The edifice is Forces of Evil. Yes, I believe Big Evil exists, even though it is not chic, hip, or psychologically kosher to do so.

Luckily, I believe the Divine is bigger than the Dark Construction of my metaphor, that Divinity will work in ways I cannot even imagine. I must rely on Divinity.

 And you are the Divine, too: If you feel one of my books has helped you, I need your help letting others know that my new book exists. I’m not asking for anything fancy or incomprehensible. Just mention Share My Insanity on Face book. Or at your church. Or to one friend.  One person connecting with another person is what I am about, not mass media or massive numbers. Readers not reviewers. 

I joked earlier today, “Having a book out is terrifying and paradoxical: it’s like taking off all your clothes in public, then hoping nobody looks at you.” I choose this public life. I also choose to be a semi-recluse. “Taking my clothes off” is a choice—an insane choice, but I am driven. And I know I’m doing the right thing, hard as it is. And I have great joy as an author and healer. I have real fun promoting.

But in middle of all the terror, the attacks, the feeling of banging my fist uselessly against “the machine,” it is hard to trust the Divine. I find it next to impossible to bring this flawed terrified self into God’s care. Instead, I beat myself up with the idea that I should have some sort of perfect surrender, perfect trust, and an ability to be beyond these painful human feelings.

Primroses in my yard: they bloom at night.

I do not give up on trying to be in God. Not permanently. I keep trying: I keep feeling my light and the light that is a Beneficent Cosmos. I notice light, it is not an idea to me but a reality that I experience. I moved between it and the terror—and along the spectrum between the two—for a long time as I worked toward the book release a week ago. I have continued this spectrum since then.

A lesson from all this is to bring my battered imperfect self into God’s care. I am no saint. I’m just a poet. A healer. A mystic. A teacher. A clown devoted to creating antics in God’s service. I have known great ecstasy and jubilation in my lifetime. I believe I was put on this earth for pleasure. I believe I was also put here to learn. Sometimes I can learn through joy and jokes. Sometimes I must suffer through the pain that is a doorway into growth.

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Alethea, Part Four: The World Tree

Short story fiction. Fantasy. Urban Faerie tale. Allegory. June, 2011.
Parts one, two, and three are also on this site.  

World Tree Rune, by OutlawBunny

Now what? She didn’t know, couldn’t figure out the next action needed. So she started walking. She had no idea where to, but she needed to walk, somewhere or nowhere.  

Look at it. Look at it, her beloved home. Devastated. Then Alethea did know what was next: Rebuild Faerie.  

Thinking back to a time before the war, she remembered an incantation that Fey gardeners used:  

Make the landscapes
so enchanted
that their detail
is prismatic,
endlessly faceted
in their beauty.  

The chant had made Faerie flourish. With longing so deep it was a passion, Alethea remembered those lands, recalling each one as completely as if it were the terrain of her own body. She closed her eyes, and tried to bring one of those memories to life before her, by visualizing it: arches of both tree limbs and gateways, leaves so defined that they were like cut gems . . . No, it wasn’t working. Elven beauty was too extravagant for her mind to encompass any large piece of it.  

She would focus her visualization on one small thing. A rose. Again, she visualized: a green stem . . . then she imagined the stem was slightly curved . . . Then thorns along it . . . The thorns sharp and reddened . . . The rose: red . . . Each petal velvet, color deepening almost purple in places.  

. . . Each petal’s edge as precise as a child’s love for his mother. She opened her eyes, and there it was, in reality: a perfect rose. No, it was better than perfect; it was a perfect Fey rose, unmatched by any human’s garden.  

Then, without further help from her, additional growth started. The stem lengthened and branched, while other parts of a rosebush manifested, planted right into the ground. Blossoms covered it, ridiculously full blossoms. Small tender promises appeared—wee buds so poignant they could only have been magic-ed into being.  

From all sides, brethren appeared. Brethren! Gorgeous, laughing heartily and musically, their features and bodies so beautiful that it was foolish—her Faerie kin. 

Forest Elf - Fantasy Art by OutlawBunny

 Alethea’s shocked smile was so huge, her happiness so apparent, that they laughed even harder. Without reproach, she asked, “Where were you? And why are you showing up now? I needed you.”  

Instead of speaking their answer, they started rebuilding Faerie all around her. For a moment, she watched, then started visualizing a perfect fountain. She was no longer alone, she was with her kind. And, together, they had what it took to do this job.  

Grass started covering distant hills and nearby patches of earth. She stopped to watch this most precious Faerie color flood the area all the way to the horizon, then she realized that everyone else had ceased work to watch, too. They all had the same expression on their faces as she did—satisfied grins, cheeks and brows relaxed in the peace of a long, fierce, and unsatisfied hunger finally met.  

Wait, they were watching, not visualizing! Faerie was growing on its own now. Their love and coaxing had woken Faerie, which could now make itself flourish and be beautiful.  

Right off the road, a tree formed in a meadow. The tree manifested bit by bit, but not by starting as a sprout or sapling. First came the trunk’s enormous girth, initially transparent, then more and more dense as huge boughs appeared, laden with leaves of silver and crystal, in keeping with the tree’s white bark.  

Tree Of Life - Fantasy Art by Outlaw Bunny

 Some Fey builders ran to the tree. Others collapsed happily to the ground, to just sit and watch. Alethea sat down on the road, knowing she wore a stupid grin. The Tree of Life. The cycle of life. The combined efforts of herself and her fellow Sidhe had brought Seelie Court magic back, until the magic of life itself grew itself in the meadow. And it in turn would take care of Alethea and the rest of the Seelie Court.  

A fellow builder—Mikal—came up beside Alethea. They’d known each other for an eternity—literally. Putting a loving arm around her shoulder, he said, “Thank you. We needed you to start the work. You are truth, Alethea, you initiate the work.”  

Alethea’s peripheral vision caught a figure moving past her. She turned her head to see—not a fellow creator of forests, crystal buildings, merry-go-rounds, and hope, but a stooped-back man, shuffling along. Tears poured from his eyes as he forlornly studied his environment. Other newcomers followed behind him. Some cried; they all kept walking, walking, walking. Not one of them stopped to help with the work or acknowledged the workers.  

Local Land - Outlaw Bunny

 Many of the bedraggled walkers were wide-eyed in miserable horror as they looked around them. They looked hungry, not for food but starving for spirit. Alethea moved to the closest one—a blond woman whose polished features sagged, as if she had been in pain too long. Alethea tapped her shoulder to get her attention. The woman wore a pale blue dress with matching scarf. She seemed oblivious to Alethea’s touch and did not stop walking, the scarf slipping from her, left behind in Alethea’s hand.  

Mikal pulled Alethea to himself, his grip tight and consoling. Alethea asked him, “Why? Why don’t they help us? How can they be unhappy amidst such beauty?”  

“They don’t see it. Just like you could not see us until you created the rose.”  

“We’ve got to do something, help them somehow!” She started walking next to two more of the shuffling figures, who were unaware even of each other.  

“Hello! Hello!,” demanded Alethea.  

No response.  

Alethea turned away. It’d taken her years to return to Faerie. Despite that, she might have wandered desolate landscapes in Faerie forever, if she hadn’t decided to re-magic her home. It was a solution that the bleak wanderers might come to on their own. She could only hope.  

Nothing to be done for it. Except hope, and bear the grief. She turned back to study the Tree of Life.  

She sensed a shimmer next to her, a displacement of energy and matter. She did not have to turn her head to know the Faerie Mother stood next to her and Mikal now.  

Still studying the World tree, she spoke. “Mother, I’ve been thinking that perhaps the Unseelie have assaulted me since my childhood. Am I right?”  

“Yes.” Mother reached down and brushed a hand across a remaining bit of blackened earth, gently and tentatively, as if it were a wounded animal. Lilies of the Valley sprouted up, in the wake of her touch, as raspberry vines and ivy also emerged from that patch of ground, twisting around each other in formal plaits.  

“I will no longer hide my head in the sand, pretending that evil does not exist. I’m willing to admit that Unseelie have continually attacked me, and that they will always fight truth.”  

“Alethea, that they have forever fought you is a myth. Not a myth the way humans use the word, but a real myth—a truth. That they have forever fought you is a truth you now admit, was the myth you lived, and was the only possible myth/truth that could have existed.  

“But now, my child, it is no longer truth. If you continue to believe that they will always attack, it will no longer be truth but self-pity and will draw their fire in order to become truth.  

“You have a new myth now. Wear the mask. Trust my warriors.”  

Animism - by OutlawBunny AKA Francesca De Grandis

Alethea bowed her head, silent for a moment, then smiled. She kissed the Queen on the forehead, squeezed Mikal’s arm, and walked away, into the meadow, toward the World Tree. When she was under its canopy, dappled light blessing her through wind-shifting leaves, she slightly bent her knees, started humming a soft, gentle, easy tune, and began a series of small, swaying, subtle movements in sync with the melody.  

The Queen of Faerie ran to catch up with her and asked, “What are you singing?”  

“It’s from a movie. I think it was called Once Upon a Time in China. I saw it when I was dating a mortal. You know how human men are when they court; it used to be flowers and flattery, now it’s beautiful films with cultural resonance.” She laughed, her laughter part of the tune.  

“Did he also teach you Chi Gung?” She referred to the moves Alethea performed.  

“Yup.”  

“Why are you doing it now?”  

“It makes me happy.”  

“How happy?”  

“It is going to be a very good spell.”  

“How good?”  

“It depends on whether I end it with sex or not.” She winked at the Queen, without breaking the gentle flow of her dance.  

The Queen smiled, and started imitating Alethea’s moves flawlessly, having taught Chi Gung to its mortal originator. 

It was time for the wandering hero to enjoy herself, tend herself, play, contemplate stars until her heart was once again filled with them. Filled so completely with ancient fire that starbursts created new cosmoses within her being.  

It was time to meditate on sacred, passionate, yummy darkness until her heart filled with it again. Filled until the spaces between atoms were an emptiness so utter that it can only be experienced, never described.  

It was time to feast in Faerie banquet halls.  

In other words, it was time for pleasure. It was time for sex. And all these joys and self-tendings, though done for their own sake, would spin the last bit of magic required for Faerie to be whole. The last needed details—subtleties of color, exquisite enchantments, precisions of glamour.  

*****  

I hope you enjoyed this tale. If so, check out Bardic Alchemy, the spoken word album of my stories. Also, I inserted my paintings throughout the story. My visual art is available at my Etsy shop.

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Dedicated to my community

<Blush. Feeling shy. Ahem (clearing throat). > The dedication page to my almost-to-be-book reads: “Dedicated to my community.” I am so happy, I am not sure words can express it, but I’ll try.

The book was going to be without a dedication. After everything had been laid out, except some front matter, I told my publisher there was no dedication. This was in a business meeting, but she kindly suggested some dedications. Her suggestions didn’t work; they were the very ones I’d already rejected; I’d been unable to find the right words; I’d rewritten, over and over, uselessly.

Then she said, “What about ‘to my community?'” I almost gasped! Perfect! (A friend said, “I can picture your ‘Oh my god!’ face when your publisher offered those excellent words. Hilarious!”) It was what I’d tried to write, but I’d gotten lost in too many words.

She added, “Francesca, your community sustains you in every possible way.” It’s true. Not sustain in the sense of me being this big queen bee that everybody tends to. But sustains me in the sense that I’m too crippled to even wash my own dishes; I cannot physically survive without help. And sustains me spiritually as well, because I need fellow stardusted travelers along life’s winding road; we help each other along. And sustains me in the sense of any possible way that community members might sustain each other. 

I have close friends without whom my spirit would shrink to nothing. My definition of community also includes my students: They are my peers. If you and I have never had contact other than you reading my books or newsletters, I consider you community. We are fellow travelers, even if we never meet. The same goes for my tweet buds. My colleagues are also a precious part of my community!

The book is dedicated with more gratitude than I can express (hence all the poorly written dedications I deleted). And with more excitement than I can say, because the dedication is a way to acknowledge and thank you for everything you do for me (and you may give to me in ways you will never know). <Gulp. I am soooooooooo embarrassed!>

The book will be out Sept or Oct. Stay tuned for info on this site.

This is the cover art. I’ll have a jpeg of the actual cover to post soon. I can’t wait to share it!

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Gaia Loves Her Worms:How to Have a Worm Farm in Your Own Home

I wrote this years ago, but finally posted it because members of a list I am on have been asking about vermiculture.

 Even if living in the city without a yard, you can be Gaia’s steward. A worm farm produces fertilizer that’s even better than what’s created in a regular compost bin. (This is an instance in which city folk can outstrip their country cousins.) If you have no garden, make a difference by supplying your gardening friends with earth-friendly worm compost. You can also love up your house plants with low cost, homemade fertilizer that didn’t need to be shipped via gas-guzzling, air-polluting trucks.

Worm composting, known as vermiculture, is easy. I live on seven-tenths of an acre, but I keep a worm bin because it adds another way to be connected to nature, is fun, provides inexpensive, high-quality organic fertilizer, and utilizes my kitchen scraps year round.

The easiest container is a plastic storage bin with a lid. It shouldn’t be translucent; worms need darkness. You’ll want a container—mine is about 16″ L x 12″ W x 9″ D—in which you can put two to four inches of bedding. More bedding than that compresses, which isn’t good; wormies need air.

Punch air-holes—high up so that liquids don’t ooze out the bottom.

Shredded newspaper usually works as bedding. Most black ink used for newsprint nowadays is soy-based. You can call your newspaper to be sure. Non-soy-based inks are toxic to the wormies, the plants you’ll be fertilizing, the earth the plants are in, and anyone who eats the resulting produce. Colored inks used to be a no-no but I don’t know their current status, so I avoid them. Don’t use the shiny paper typical in magazines. I run newspaper through a paper shredder, but you can rip by hand.

Once bedding is in place, spray it with water until it’s quite
moist. Think of how liquid worms appear—they need things wet. Note that I wrote wet and moist, not mini-puddles. Sodden paper compresses into an airless environment.

To maintain a moist environment, re-spray as needed. When I kept my farm in the basement during the winter, I had to spray only once a week. However, upstairs mid-summer, I sprayed every few days.

Worms have no teeth. Provide something they can use to chew their food. The easiest thing is a handful of dirt. Fine sand or ground up egg shells also work.

Now the bin’s ready! Don’t get just any worms. Acquire red worms from a local bait shop or on-line store. Or contact your county extension and inquire whether they have Master Gardeners. Perhaps one of them has worms they’ll give away or sell. (In fact, Master Gardeners in my town helped me learn how to create and maintain a worm farm.)

Place the worms gently under the bedding. Worms don’t do well if
handled, so keep that to a minimum. Leave the lid slightly askew to allow more air in. Wash your hands well after feeding the critters or otherwise handling the bin.

Worms manage a wide range of temperatures, but don’t let it get anywhere near freezing, or so hot that you yourself can’t tolerate it. I’ve kept my bin in a partially heated basement in the winter, in a hot upstairs room during the summer. Both were fine.

It’s time to feed them. Worms eat almost anything: veggies, fruits, bread, cooked rice, banana peels, and coffee grounds. Don’t feed them oils, meat, poultry, fish, or milk. A Master Gardener told me that worms hate onions, citrus, and raw vegetables. She added that they need soft foods, such as cooked vegetables. It seems to me that my worms used to devour raw veggies, but lately I’m wondering if my memory serves me wrong: I’m having some trouble with my worms (more about problems with your bin later) so I am reappraising past events. For now: See for yourself if there’s something your worms hate.

Once a week, put some food in a corner of your container, at the bottom, under all the bedding—a banana peel, an apple core, scraps left over from chopping vegetables, or whatever. I use the same corner every week, then switch corners after a while.

How much food depends on the amount of worms. There are folks who know how to mathematically factor that exactly. Not me! I prefer a more, pardon the pun, organic method. If the bin starts to smell from rotten food, I’m putting in too much. If food’s disappearing too quickly, I provide more.

Therefore, in the early weeks, I check the bin every few days to see how things are progressing. By the way, worms don’t eat the food until it rots. They love yummy rottenness!

The more kitchen scraps you want to use up, the larger the worm population you’ll need, and the larger a bin you’ll need to accommodate them.

Harvest time! After a few months, you should have plenty of dark material in the bin. That’s worm castings, less officially known as worm poop. It is ambrosia for organic gardeners, and good for house plants, lawns, veggie gardens, and floral beds.

Worms can’t live in just castings—they are too toxic. When the bedding is almost eaten, it’s time to harvest. Doing so is a process. And is where I suspect I had trouble. Mind you, at first I harvested lotsa castings, repeatedly. Then my worms kept dying out, and I don’t know why (and I’ve stopped worm farming for a while, so haven’t had a chance to figure it out yet. But I wonder if I was under-harvesting, so that worms were in a toxic environment.)

In any case, I’ll show the two ways I know to harvest. Maybe you can tell me if one or both of these is incorrect. First method: Gently clear one side of the bin (hence called side A) by shoving all its contents on top of what’s in the other side (hence called side B), remembering that wormies don’t do well when handled. Put new bedding on the cleared side, and add food to it at the usual rate, for the next couple of weeks. The critters will recognize the nice new home you’ve made for them and, over a few weeks’ time, migrate to it. After a couple of weeks, check side B. If it’s relatively worm free, it’s yours! Once you harvest it, add new bedding to side B.

Another method: Leave the bin’s contents as is, but add no food or moisture to side A. Moisten and put food in side B only. For the next few weeks, some worms will migrate to side B. After side A has dried out for a few weeks, scoop it out and let it sit somewhere a while; its remaining worms will go to the bottom. Clear off as much of the upper portion as is worm free. That is your fertilizer. Put the remaining worms back into side A, add nice new bedding over them, and give ‘em the usual yummy food (food that is yummy by worms’ standards). Now repeat the whole process with side B.

Using your fabulous worm castings: A Master Gardener told me that, with house plants, she covers the surface of a pot’s dirt with a half-inch layer of castings. Another Master Gardener concurred, adding that you could, instead, just grab a handful of castings and sprinkle it onto the top of the soil. It’s a slow release fertilizer; when you water the pot, the castings leak in bit by bit. In the garden, put a handful around a plant. When transplanting, put a handful of castings in the hole, mix it into the dirt, then put in the plant.

Both Master Gardeners said that you can’t use too much. However, I was misinformed about that for a while. I thought you shouldn’t use too much castings—that more was not better. I would put only a teaspoon on top of the soil of my potted plants. I also would add castings to water and pour it into the ground to make my garden happy. When the water was gone, I would dump the remaining castings onto the garden dirt. Now I follow the more generous usage delineated above, but it does seem— though I can’t give you scientific evidence—that my earlier approach sure seemed to help my plants anyway. I still intend to put castings in water to water my garden.

I’m no vermiculture expert. My first batch of worms died after a year. Ditto my second batch. So I’m still learning. But, both those years, the bin produced mega-amounts of Gaia’ lovin’ fun and fertilizer.

Trying to figure out why my worms had died, I had a long talk with a Master Gardener who has successfully worm farmed for years. I explained that I couldn’t seem to get the farm cleaned, because the worm castings piled up too fast for me to stay ahead of them. At that point I had an “aha:” I remembered the huge number of teeny tiny worms my farm produced (red worms look like wee snippets of white thread when they are babies). I asked the Master Grander if perhaps my worm population had gotten too big for its container, creating more castings than I could keep up on, and hence an environment too toxic for worms to live in. She said, “I wouldn’t know. I never get too many because I’m always giving some away.” That seems a possible yes to my question. Next time I worm farm, if there is a population explosion, I’ll give some worms away.

Tending Mother Earth is a learning process. It is also humbling: There are always mistakes and more to learn. It is also satisfying. If you end up with a seriously smelly bin, dead worms, or other problems, call your local Master Gardeners for advice (if there is such a group in your area). Another option is Gaia’s Stewards, an online gardening group at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gaiasstewards. Join the group and ask if anyone can address your problem. Together we can be Gaia’s Stewards. And the worms will join in.

Outlaw Bunny AKA Francesca De Grandis runs a Yahoo list called Gaia’s Stewards, at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gaiasstewards, where both newbie gardeners and experienced green-thumbs share their journeys as caretakers of the earth.

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Recent Dye Art Projects; Also Free-form Three-Dimensional Beadweaving

I’ve been chomping at the bit to share the projects below. I made some of them quite a few months ago, and can finally post them. They won’t shown in my Etsy shop.

 My physical therapist gave me this blouse, unadorned, asking me to paint it for her. I trade art for physical therapy, since my insurance no longer covers it. Don’t you love our medical system? I am grateful for my amazing physical therapist, who helps me so much.

I am kinda new to these paints (Jacquard Products Lumiere) and haven’t done much painting on cotton T-shirt material. It was also the first time I tried to give a Henley a peasant look, which is what my physical therapist asked for. So I kept the design simple. With all that, I was worried it wouldn’t turn out well. But I am happy with the result. And simple works soooooo often. Lumiere is a paint, but it acts like a dye in that it soaks in very well, leaving just a bit of tactile feel.

This is a God box. (If you never heard of a God box: When you have a concern, you can write it down and put it in the box, as a way of giving it into God’s care.) I used Jacquard Products Pearl Ex mixed with varnish to coat an old funky metal file-card box. I had created a beaded leaf (my design, far as I can remember) ages ago, but couldn’t find the right use for it until I glued it onto my God box. The lace is a scrap from a white vintage place mat that I dyed green with Dye-na-Flow (yes, I am a Jacquard Products freak). Then I mixed Pearl Ex colors with Colorless Extender, to paint the scrap with a bit of decoration. Next, I glued pretty material to the top, scrunching up the material as I glued. The final step was adding bones. Two are from little critters who got trapped in an outhouse and died. Um, the bones have been cleaned. I found the third bone in my back yard. A bit of my property is wooded, and there was a deer skeleton there! I think the former owner of this house must have dropped the carcass there after a hunt. It is not that I live on some huge wooded property. In the country, folks often made personal dumping grounds just out back of their house, and still do a bit. 

 I know the combo of femmy décor with bones is weird, but I wanted that because I think the combo is pretty. Also, life is a combo of femmy, bones, and everything else, which seemed perfect for a God box.

I may have made this as far back as late 2010, but I have to share it. I painted a black-t for a friend who was down in the dumps. She hung it on her wall, which made me feel really good. It also spurred me on to frame two of my paintings myself, which was a big step in self-acknowledgement.

I don’t do much intricate, free-form, three-dimensional one-of-a-kind beadweaving anymore. But I designed this piece in exchange for the copyedit of my soon-to-be-book. I used two bones from the aforementioned outhouse. Yeah, it’s a weird necklace. But the women for whom I made it loves bones as much as I do. My goal was a design that spoke of nature’s green, and trees, and bones. Like my woods out back. I also think the necklace is a little humorous; the person for whom I made it likes a joke.

 

 If you would like an intricate, free-form, three-dimensional one-of-a-kind beadweaving designed especially for you, do contact me. The same goes for painting a T-shirt for you.

Thanks for looking at these!!!

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My Life Is a Poem, an Allegory

My Life Is a Poem, an Allegory
Prose poem, July 2011

Perfect black tiny feather lost to the vacuum cleaner, but I decide not to mourn, so when I leave the house, a large black feather is in the grass. 

Front of Feather

The urban shaman, now living ignorantly in the country, has to ask (on Twitter), “What kind of bird does this feather belong to?” I post a picture and a description. The feather is black, but not deeply so, and has no blue. Maybe is a bit brownish.  

Back of Feather

Back of Feather

Responses come. I am told different birds. I am asking the bird’s type, instead of sinking into the lesson it has offered me. I know the lesson but do not live in it. 

Instead, someone tweets me the URL of a science site that would take me an hour to decipher, because I am not good at understanding the site’s approach. I plan to explore it later. And I feel loved by the sender; that much I do well. Which I applaud, because often I reject love. And I should applaud, because I tend only to note my spiritual fall-downs, not my spiritual staying steady. 

I’m tweeted that I should raise feather to the sun because blue might appear. It doesn’t, and I am still ignoring the lesson by checking for hidden blues.   

My life is a poem, an allegory. I learn that the big black feather I found may be crow, illegal to own. Guess I’ll toss it back, into the green, then expect the bigger gift from the Tree of Life.  

. . . I gave the feather back to the Tree of Life, but kept Crow’s lesson to me: Grab the moment instead of the memento (momento); grab the now’s gorgeous detailed pleasures and connectivity, because they will outweigh any poems, books, feathers, or memories that result. 

But still I write this story to you, and trust that I am not incorrigible. My life is a poem, an allegory thrust upon me, a mischief by benevolent Chaos Gods, a bardic alchemy, a myth I try to decipher and try to live fully. I hope and know I am God’s beloved recalcitrant brat. 

*******************************
Bardic alchemy is a term from another of my poems, as well as the title of my spoken word album. More on both here. However, I am using the term a bit differently here.

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