10/2011 Update: Blog-time is bendable. I posted this blog Jan 2011. It was written Dec 2010. The blog says it is “from my upcoming book.” Now the book is out. It is called Share My Insanity. And now the blog:
When It Comes to Romance, I’m Not a Normal Woman
Dec 2010. From my upcoming book.
Years ago, I attended a luthiers’ convention (luthiers build stringed instruments). I walked into the main exhibition hall, and went into a dead heat. Not because of all the fine dudes there. It was because of the guitars! I was stunned—completely shocked—to find out I could feel that way about them. But it was then I realized, I am not like other women!
My relationships with my guitars and my mandolin just ain’t right.
Multiple Sclerosis (that’s as close as we’ve gotten to a diagnosis) has made holding a guitar too difficult. I really missed it. (I name my guitars. My vintage Gibson semi-hollow-body electric was called Blondie. She’s living in Arizona now with a drummer.) One day, a friend dropped by, after a gig, toting a mando. I asked, “Put that in my lap, will you?” (It can be too hard for me to reach for things.) Lo, its weight was not too much on my thighs, and it was not too big for me to bend my torso around.An aside: I found out later it’s a really small, lightweight mando; if any other had arrived that day, I would not be playing mandolin now, because it would have been like guitars—too heavy, and too large to wrap myself around. I guess God AKA randomness was looking out for me. Trust the flow, Luke. The flow of events in your day, that is. There are gifts all around, if you watch the moment by moment with the understanding that it is God. There is only God, and God is now. There is only now, and now is God. And She will always take care of you. Every moment.
I usually wouldn’t have asked to be passed a mando. I assumed I couldn’t manage it physically. But just couldn’t stop myself! Again, lo, it turned out way great—unlike some guys I dated whom I thought I could manage! Maybe my impulsively saying, “Put that on my lap, will you?” was a bit of the Divine too. The Gods of Chaos do use every part of a person toward Their agenda of us having immense joy.
Back to the story: My friend offered to lend the mandolin to me. However, it was his Dad’s. I insisted I could not accept it. But deep down, I’d fallen in love. I was lusting after another man’s mando! I mean, that’s actually how it felt to me, like I was breaking the tenth commandment, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife” (or his musical instruments either, in my case! Oh, wait, now that I think of it: The full version of that commandment isn’t solely about wives. It’s also about coveting property. If craving someone else’s belongings is so rampant that Jehovah had to make a commandment against it, maybe I’m little normal).
My friend would not take no for an answer. I finally accepted his kind offer. But honest-to-goddess, I felt I was cheating with his wife!
Since then, he’s generously given me the mandolin. The mando and I have a legitimate relationship now. I am not normal.
And recently, there is my crush on Jacquard products. I won some of them in the TeeJuice contest (www.teejuice.com). Called Jacquard a few times to ask something about their merchandise. In maybe my second phone call, I suddenly found myself asking if they had a job opening.
They had no position available, and it was a crazy request. I have a job. And am not suited temperamentally to hold any position there. Besides, they’re in California, I’m in Pennsylvania. Plus I’m too disabled to go to an office. (I break easily. Seventy percent of the time I’d leave the house, I’d end up injured. So I happily live, love, and work, all at home.)
But I was acting impulsively because I’d fallen in love—with product. And with a company of really cool people. I wanted to be part of that family.
I still do, and am trying to make it happen. (Is this a courtship?) I figured one way I could contribute to their work would be as a writer. I submitted three articles to them (they accepted the third! Yaya!). I mention Jacquard products on this site for free. I will keep offering articles.
Another reason I adore this company is that I owe them big-time! In July or August 2010, their products taught me that I can draw ‘n’ paint. Doing so has been a huge blessing to me. More about this is in my blog “I Can Draw? Huh?“
So Jacquard started an adventure for me. They’re a bunch of people whom I perceive as doing something remarkable: the highest quality product, highest quality service, and genuine caring. Their TeeJuice contest is generous with prizes. I rely on it for some of my art supplies. I get to have the best possible stuff, which I could not otherwise afford. I want to be part of all this, support it any way I can. When someone has a project I think highly of, I tend to get involved, do my bit to support it. I also want to give back to them for all they’ve given me.
Still, a love affair with an inventory and a group of people is odd, no matter how amazing the merchandise or how awesome the people. (Today I got some Lumiere paint. It looked good enough to eat, yum!) It’s ridiculous. Aren’t I supposed to feel this way about a man? Or woman? Or polyamourous group? Is something wrong with me? Or am I instead passionate, focused, and capable of being in love with all of life? Yes, I like that explanation better.
1) As a mystic on an ecstatic path, I really do find myself in love with all of life. There are moments of connectivity to individuals, or to a group I’m teaching (and in the latter instance, I’m also feeling connection with each person). Or during one of the spiritual practices I’ve created comes the experience of bonding with all the dots in the connect-the-dots painting that is the cosmos. And during all these unions, I am in love.
It’s part and parcel of what I realized long ago: I’m in love with my closest friends. But it isn’t a bad thing. I adore them, worship them, try to treat them as a beloved. It’s wonderful for them. And for me.
This style of friendship is not something I chose; it’s just how I innately do things, before I even recognized what I was doing. In case you misunderstand, I’m not talking about wanting to make love with them, nor do I put someone on a pedestal or otherwise set myself up for short, disappointing alliances. I am a loyal friend, with lifelong friendships. But they have a strong element of romance.
The world is my divine beloved.
2) Some people live happiest single, some married, and some do well with altogether different options.
One of my particular gifts as a spiritual teacher and counselor is to help people live their authentic self. So I’m able to guide them to choices other than my own. When I couple counsel, I rock! Yet I am single. Women who come to me looking for the dream mate repeatedly end up happily and long-term married.
We all have our own path; supporting each other along it is not about being identical. It’s about honoring the Divine Spark shining in each of us, by respecting whatever supposedly bizarre crazy way it manifests.
When it comes to romance, that might mean helping each other create new ways of being married, of being single, and of being everything in between.
Check out Share My Insanity.