Crip-Dancing Grief, Calligraphing Grief

My Heart Hurts, FDG 2012

Cat’s in my wheelchair, I can’t lift her out. I want to be in You, surrender. Make me who can best serve Your plan. I’ve no power.

Cut my finger, sucked it, I taste like raspberries. Guess SADD has not completely messed me up yet, but I am hurting. Bit by bit, SADD has crept up on me, I did not know if I was depressed or just coming to grips with some awful things that happened, admitting such things occur in this world. Or both. I still don’t know but today I do realize SADD is here.

Better go outside into sun and invigorating cold before SADD gets any worse. Glad I’m well ‘nuf again now and that the weather is a bit better.

Being outside helps. Then I plummet. Hate everything and everybody. A friend of mine once said, “When you’re depressed, you don’t think ‘I’m depressed.’ Instead, you think, ‘The world is a terrible place.'” Yup, the world is awful, people stink.

Detail from My Heart Hurts, FDG 2012.

I am a lousy spiritual leader. God, You picked the wrong person, my spiritual state is awful, I am hating my species. Hm, is this depression talking? Of course it is! I hope it is.

I better go meditate, do the rest of my physical therapy, see if that helps. Oh, and drink St John’s wort, that obliterated my SADD one year.

I start exercise. A bit of movement makes me feel deeply sad, this is not SADD alone. I forsake the usual physical therapy, and work out by dancing grief. I’m a crip, my dance is not what some might imagine. But it moves the awful sadness about those awful things I mentioned.

The St John’s wort is steeping. I just remember, I have Motherwort glycerite I made from my garden, will take that, too.

I calligraph my grief, that helps too.

Thank you, God, it’s mostly a day off, so I have the luxury of pain, of allowing myself time to work it out and away. This sadness has been lurking, even in the air around me, a long time, maybe years, needing to come out and play. Thank You for a day in which I have enough physical strength and mental acuity for healing my spirit, instead of a day ill physical health takes all. Just between you and me, I took care of my inner landscape instead of survival chores. But until I made beauty to cure my depression, survival felt worthless, I wasn’t tending to it anyway. Onward! Time to eat a beautiful dinner.
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Art and crafts can be self-help. DIY inner-transformation! I teach classes about bringing art ‘n’ spirituality together. If you don’t receive announcements of upcoming classes, here is where to sign up. At the time of this posting, a class starts next week, so if you want to get some work done now, email me for info about that class: outlawbunny @ outlawbunny.com

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